Exhibit A – Camp
Friday the 13th. I don’t think there’s more to be said, there have been 12 (yes, just one short of 13, which means we’re sure to see another one – Friday the 13th the 13th) of these. Not all of them may have been set on a camp but everything started with a camp, some drugged up camp counselors and a vengeful mother. Oh, and this faceless gorilla that likes to slash people showed up a little later. Safe to say, you do not want to go near any camp after seeing Mr. Voorhees do his own brand of teen counseling. If that does not convince you to stay away from camps, Sleepaway Camp might do the trick, severed heads, beehives, drownings, confused girls(hint: it’s a boy) with big knives and all.
Exhibit B – The Beach
The beach, that awesome place for parties, surfing and bikini clad ladies (or, if you’re a woman: lads with gleaming six packs). What danger could there be in the soothing blue water under the smiling sun? Where do I begin? You’ve got Great Whites (not everybody can be Roy Scheider, some must be Quint), genetically engineered sharks that don’t like Samuel L. Jackson speeches, deep-sea worms (Deep rising), giant octopi(Tentacles) like bone marrow, piranhas that will eat you within minutes and so, so much more. So, unless you like going to the beach and not getting wet, this one is not that inviting.
Exhibit C – The Woods
Nothing like a camping trip in the middle of a forest with family or friends. Except that you’re likely to encounter hillbillies or mutant hillbillies, or some creature that hates you as much as it hates those hillbillies. If you like getting molested by rednecks in front of your friends or family(Deliverance, Wrong Turn), stick men and cracking sounds (The Blair Witch Project), creatures with really disfigured, but still probably delicious pumpkin heads or headless horsemen, then you should definitely check out the woods.
Exhibit D – Caves
So you’re one of those people who like big adventures and tiny crawl spaces? You enthusiastic spelunker you, don’t you know that caves are a place of terror, full of weird creatures that adapted to life underwater (The Cave) who especially like biologists or humanoid creatures that react to sound and women(The Descent)? You could argue the whole claustrophobic scenario is terrifying enough, but you’re the adventuring type, aren’t you?
Exhibit E – Motels
Finding a good place for a romantic getaway, a quick rest on the road or some time off can be pretty challenging. After all, some places haunt John Cusack (1408) with Samuel L. Jackson hallucinations, some hotels are just all play and no work (The Shining) and drive you axe wielding mad, some are run by a Psycho that likes to dress up like mother(also, knives), some by people who love to film themselves some torture(Vacancy). Also, that vacation home you own? Not safe. Psychopaths are drawn to these like moths to a flame (The Last House on the Left, The Strangers).
Exhibit F – Foreign Locations
Now, if you have the money for a trip beyond the borders, there are special treats for you. London (and later Paris apparently) is the home of werewolves. East European countries like to kidnap foreigners and offer them for torture to high paying sadists(Hostel), South Americans go for a more classical human trafficking ring (And Soon the Darkness) or organ extraction for the black market (Turistas). Going to some islands, be careful who you team up with, lest ye be killed and your identity stolen (A Perfect Getaway). The jungle is never a good idea, seeing as though there’s plenty of evil places(The Ruins).
Now, don’t you feel better you don’t have the time or money to go somewhere else? Isn’t your home a great place to relax and wait for the criminal’s call inquiring whether you like horror movies(Scream)?
Posted on January 25th, 2011 by MrWiseguy
Filed under: Movies