Pop Culture for Fun

  First you need a supernatural element. Lacking that, you’ll have to resort to slasher movies. Not that the two can’t coincide. Next, devise a way in which the killer, manifestation, or illness, can terrorize without being seen(this creates a good opportunity for jump scares, no one ever gets tired of those). For at least fifteen minutes of screen time. Failing to do that, shock the audience with grotesque imagery and/or people(inbreeding/mutation/disfigurement never fails).
  Now, for the most important part. Pick the main characters, and be sure they are all pretty people in their 20s, even if you are filming a teen-slasher film(it saves time for the upcoming scenes of nudity if the actors are all of legal age). At least half of the main cast must be female, and if possible, have large breasts. Be sure to throw in some average people as well, so, when interviewed later, you can claim you made a movie with characters that ordinary people can relate to(but be sure to have them die quickly, and, when filming, one of the pretty girls must be in the shot).
   Chose a remote location. Castles, swamps, jungles, ruins work best, but you can never go wrong with a high school and/or frat house(this one will come in handy as the motive behind the gratuitous nudity).
   Write the dialog. Preferably on a napkin while at a drink with the other people involved in production of the movie. Do not concern yourself with its quality, if the movie fails to deliver chills, the camp factor will at least, maybe, tame the critics to a certain degree(if it turns out to be criticized, say you intended it that way).
   Make sure to include at least one sex scene in the movie, and at least(preferably several) scenes in which a female character is naked, again, preferably while running. Also of importance: teach the female characters to scream as much as possible throughout the filming.
   Hire a foreign director. Chose people who have shown some talent abroad, so the art-house fans will come see the movie. Make sure to tell him to include stylish shots, and at least one “close the mirror, suddenly see the killer” scene.
   Next on the list, and probably the most important: the gore. You probably need blood, and lots of it, maybe even some spilled guts. Remember, whatever you do, by the end of the movie at least one of the pretty people must get soaked in blood. Things to consider: extra blood for camp, less, but more gruesome scenes.
   Last, but not least: leave room for a sequel. The killer, if human, must not be killed or, must have someone that will go through everything for revenge. Next, wait for the dollars to pour in.

Posted on October 6th, 2008 by MrWiseguy
Filed under: Movies